Current mood:

hopeful

Has anyone seen my missing voice?
So on the very first day of this leg of the tour I got sick. Not just the sniffles, I-have-a-cold sick...no. It had to be the absolute worst thing a vocalist could get, laryngitis. Well, it was more like a bronchial-infection-with several feverish, coughy days that left me with...laryngitis. I tried to sing for a week through it and finally lost my voice altogether at our show in Springfield, Missouri. Every show during this time has been an absolute teetering act...trying to be as conscious as possible not to push too hard, not to put too much strain...and nursing it every night with a lot of falsettos and warm-downs, as it's been inevitably shot. In between shows, I haven't been able to talk at all. I think this is one of the most difficult parts for me. I meet these wonderful people at shows and would love to chat with them, but all I can really offer is a smile and some universal hand gestures. Everyone's been so wonderful and understanding at the shows. Especially these last two where Gordon had to do all the singing...more on that later. The guys have been amazing...being protective brothers as always, making sure I'm fed and watered and nourished and loved...aside from the teasing (I swear they get a kick out of being able to tease me without getting an earful in return...just wait til I get my voice back!) The hardest part for me is the not talking bit...I've spent the last week in silence, and I've realized how truly my voice is my medium for expression. Not just when I sing, but also in the way I speak and interact. I've spent many lonely, cold nights in the van during shows. Most clubs outside of California allow smoking, which absolutely kills my throat...makes the coughing so much worse. So I've had to spend most of the time at clubs, bundled in the van. I'm normally introverted and love alone time, but for some reason I felt like I was a misbehaved child that wasn't allowed to have fun inside with everyone else. The other hard part for me has been the fear...the fear that my voice won't come back...that this silence is permanent, that the voice I've come to know and feel at home with is gone. What a strange thought.

Since the beginning of the band, car troubles aside, I've never personally had to cancel a show. Not for strep, not for pulling out my back, not for any kind of illness. So Gordon sang at the last 2 shows. And I had the weirdest experience, watching my own band perform these songs without me. I was so proud of them...they pulled it off so beautifully. Gordon sounded amazing, and Scott and Brian came together to sing a lot as well. I felt like a proud parent (even have video footage I'll have to share of this). I was really glad that they were able to still play the shows. I would've felt so bad for the fans that came to see us if we had had to cancel altogether. I still felt bad that I wasn't able to give anything more than a smile, but I'm looking forward to coming back to these places and really making it up.

So after 2 days of complete vocal rest, I'm going to test it out tomorrow. We have a show in Dallas, and fingers crossed, it's healed enough to make some music.

~tash